It’s been a year plus since I got attached. I told myself when I just got into this relationship that I would not mistreat myself in order to curry favour from my partner. I told myself that I will always leave a spot in my heart for myself, so that I would not get hurt if I were to breakup. I guessed it was this mentality that landed me in this dilemma that I am having now.
In my previous relationship, I was hurt really badly. As you can read about it in the last Daily Prompt post. Yea. From then on, I didn’t dare to let anyone in for 3 years. People proposed, but I was really scared that I was taken like a joke again. Really. I was so scared that I brushed off anyone who showered me with extra concern. I treat everyone as a friend (Friend-zone isn’t a word because I didn’t lead anyone on.) I didn’t want to be a joke, so I treat everything as a joke.
I actually knew my now boyfriend online. I needed someone to talk to then because of the un-needed stress from university application. So I started talking to people online. And then, ta-dah. I am attached. Or maybe, I just have a partner. Someone who is as lonely as I am. Because he never officially proposed to me to ask me to his girlfriend. But he did pop the question on whether I want to marry him and give birth to his kids. I never believed it, believe it or not. At least, that was I feel deep inside.
Because I am terribly insecure. He avoided questions that I ask. I sometimes thought that I knew everything about him but sometimes, I feel that I don’t know him at all. And maybe, it is just that I don’t know how to love. I admit. I don’t know how to love someone. I don’t know what it means to love someone. I did propose a breakup last year after three month, but my heart hurt like crazy. Was that love? I really don’t know.
My mama said that I wasn’t worth to be married, didn’t fit to be a mother. Perhaps that was why I started to lose faith in myself. I think I am not worthy of him..
And nowadays, I am starting to think of breaking up. Again.
My mind is in a mess.