I am feeling like shit now. So I decided to turn to writing to find some comfort.
“Ever been dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend? Was it a total surprise, or something you saw coming? Tell us your best worst breakup story. Never been the dumpee, always the dumper? Relate the story of a friend who got unceremoniously kicked to the curb. Change the names to protect the innocent if you must.”
Dumped isn’t the word to use for my first love. Neither was I dumped or did I dump somebody. I would love to say that it was an amicable breakup but it was not.
Readers of this blog would know that I am currently attached now, for going to a year soon. But it is actually my second relationship. My first was when I was 15, still a Secondary Three school student (Ninth Grade? Correct me if I am wrong. I am not really sure with the education system for the rest of the world.) My first love, J, and I have known each other’s existence for around 2 years – we took the same bus to school everyday. I was in a girls’ school and he was in a boys’ school nearby. The time taken to reach school was around 45 mins. So, if I was not sleeping on the bus, I would be looking at the scenery outside the window or studying, I would be observing my fellow communters. They will look familiar to you, especially so as I took the only bus that reach that particular area at three timings, at 5-10 mins interval. It is pretty hard not to notice faces, especially during those preteen years.
One sudden day, (actually it’s on the 27th of Feb, 2009), I received a message from an unknown number, The message said, ‘Hi. How are you?’
Goodness gracious. I surely was surprised, especially when the second message came and it went “Do you know who I am?”
Hell no. I have never seen this number before and therefore, WILL NOT KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE! I was texting this particular friend of mine at that point in time and I remembered telling him that I have a stalker stalking me and asking me whether I know him/her. I really wanted to call the police there and then but my friend was asking me ignore the message.
Then the third message came. “Do you remember the ** school guy who board the 107 (it’s just 3 random numbers) bus at the M stop?”
Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.
Oh. Yea, there are two guys who always board the bus from that particular school. But I have no idea which one is talking to me. And he went on for the next few hours, trying to persuade me that he is not a stalker.
From there, I started to know more about him. The stalker who freak me out. The guy who told me it was his birthday the day before. The guy who asked why no one asked me out. The guy who made me blush when he teased me. The guy who first told me that he likes me. The guy who waited for me for four hours just to meet me. The guy who accompanied me on my bus-rides for four years.
Being the innocent and naive (or is it clueless and stupid?) girl that I was then, I had absolutely low confidence level and I don’t believe that anyone would like him. But he gave me the confidence. He first taught me how to love someone. He might have been an asshole to everyone else in the world, but I thought he really treated me well. I thought we could brave everything together.
But I have never been more wrong.
Three months later, we drifted apart. Somehow. Maybe it was because I didn’t to get more intimate. It was over the boundary. Maybe he was just sick of me. But things started to hit rock bottom. It was just then I realised that one of my arch-enemy gave him my number and they were talking about our relationship. Rumours started spreading and he thought it was my fault. To make things worst, he started asking for number of my juniors and my friends that he fancied. He seems like a douchebag then. But I just couldn’t forget about him. For 4 years and counting, I had a hole in my heart. A wound that refused to heal (Quoting Poppy Moore from Wild Child).
Now that 5 years had passed, I want to thank him for teaching how to love, how to survive a heart break, how to forget and accept someone new, helping me to see who are my true friends and who are not. He became my motivation to studying, in order to defeat him in the National exams. I can proudly say that I managed to do it. He pushed me to my limits. That relationship helped me grow both as a person and as a woman.
Given that it is the time of the year again, I will always think of him. Although we are not longer in contact even though we will hear news of each other from our mutual friends (he is serving the nation now and preparing to enter law school after he is out of army), I can’t deny those fond memories from pouring into my brain. Indeed, those bad memories are really pretty bad, but it is with the bad memories that the good memories seems better.
Failed relationships always hurt, but take them as important lessons and rites of life. You will survive. Maybe, you can find a different you.